My Pursuit of Happiness

Have you ever felt blissfully happy ? Or does it seem like a moving target? I fall in the later category, every time I reach what I perceive as my goal, I realize that comes with its own set of fears and insecurity, and the goal changes.

As a child, I used to play pretend with my cousins; we built elaborate story lines of our lives (we pretended to be adults). My cousin would choose to be a model sometimes, or a business woman other times, but I almost always picked the same thing: a house with a garden and many kids. I would be the PTA and bake sale mom who also had the best roses in the block, so it comes as no surprise that my big dream as an adult was to some day become a mom.

And December 2015 gave me the opportunity to realize this life long dream. I always thought that moment would be pure bliss- after all, if this was all you ever wanted, it should feel special right? It was, but for like 1 or 2 minutes. Then followed waves of fear and insecurity- will everything be OK? things never work out for me, how can this be happening to me now? As we crossed the 12 week threshold, it moved to will I be a good mom? Every friend and relative I know is a mom will probably be better than me- will be the worst mom of the block? What if there are comparisons? Will I live up to other’s expectations? Will I live up to my own expectations? These thoughts are turn into dreams and it becomes a narrative in your head. Every mother gives you her tips and advice with the best intentions, but you get more and more petrified that they think you can’t handle it. As the whirlpool continued, I googled if this anxiety is common and apparently it is, so I can tick off not crazy box!

I know I can overcome it, but what got me thinking is why is it hard to stop worrying? I wake up every morning saying “this is all I have ever wanted so thank you universe” and focus on making it a stressful day, but somehow the thoughts are never far away. When we are aware that a small portion of our life is in our control, we still can’t relinquish control. I understand the worry when it is something you want to achieve, but when you seem to get what you hoped, why does fear get in the way? Is it the chase of our ideal vision which may or may not be realistic?

There are a lot of self help tips and ideas out there, but I haven’t read enough about the logic behind this train of thought. Understanding why would be an interesting window into our minds.

 

As I close this rambling train of thoughts, I am curious to see what you think- share your views and experience below!

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